The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy
by Seanait
Summary: The spacefaring inhabitants of the Milky Way Galaxy need to get a few things straight...
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way

Hello friends!!!! School is SOOOO close to being over! I have one more final tomorrow and _poof!_ that's it!!! I hope all of you have been doing well!!

oh yeah, remember how i said i needed reviews so this wouldn't be four months from the last chapter? well, this one was only three months from my last update:p, lol, sorry about the wait... again.

But here it is, the story you've all been waiting for!

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**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy**

General Landry escaped to his office and logged into his computer. He scanned through the mission reports, trying to find the most interesting ones. They were given titles, boring and official ones, but Landry had learned to read past that. For instance if a title read: "Wraith at M9X-932" that usually meant a firefight ensued and someone had won or lost.

He left the boring ones alone until night. Landry fell asleep better when reading supply requests.

As the general searched through the muck to find something of interest, a gleaming beacon stood out. There was something in the mission reports that read as "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy." This title caught his interest and his eyebrows went up in mild surprise. He opened the document.

A hand flew to his mouth to prevent the overwhelming urge to laugh from coming out. This was hilarious! He supposed Colonel Sheppard had written this when he was bored or something! Maybe the Atlanteans needed something more to do… perhaps a false wraith attack might wake them up… nah.

Landry read through all 19 Guides that had been written by Atlantis personnel, Atlantis, and Hermiod. Of them all, Atlantis' and Hermiod's amused the general the most.

Chuckles started coming very easy as Landry read farther into the madness. He wiped some tears from his eyes. God, Landry hadn't laughed like this in ages! It felt good!

"Sir?" came a quietly inquiring voice. All of SG-1 stood outside his office door, looking at him like he'd mutated into something with sixteen heads. Landry quickly composed himself.

"Yes SG-1?" he asked quickly, trying to cover up his lapse in professionalism.

"Ah, we'll come back later… It seems as if we interrupted something," Cameron said slowly. He and Sam shared a look and they left. Teal'c cocked an eyebrow and stared before he left. Daniel stood in the door gazing at Landry curiously, as if he were studying a puzzling object. Landry stared right back. Before he could say anything however, Daniel shook his head and left.

Landry got back to the Guides.

He deftly popped open a Word document and began to write.

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy.

1. When all else fails, yell at the President.

... a. Hey, you didn't vote for him, right?

... b. It may be really out of line, but damn it feels good!

2. Don't allow Rodney McKay onto the base.

... a. If Sam Carter is there, you may never get rid of him.

3. If you need a good nature buddy, call Jack O'Neill.

... a. Cameron Mitchell is too weird-ed out by nature indulgences to speak candidly.

... b. O'Neill's funnier.

4. Don't trust an organization that changes its name.

... a. Whether it's the NID, the Trust, or the government, it can't be that great.

... b. After all, name changes usually imply some kind of "problems."

5. When sticking one's nose into the intergalactic playing field, make sure one has a really big intergalactic gun.

... a. In being not omnipotent, the gun gives you an advantage.

... b. It helps to shoot first, talk later sometimes.

6. Don't trust aliens with strange voices!

... a. I cannot stress that enough! Look at the Goa'uld, the Ori, the Ori Priors, and the Tok'ra – all beings one should be wary of.

... b. Strange voice strange people.

7. Don't let your minions get out of control.

... a. They might open the supergate…

... b. They might get themselves killed or Prior-ed

... c. They might even do a "Jaffa revenge thing" if you don't watch out.

There! Landry looked at his list of things to watch out for in **this** galaxy. Everyone thought that the Pegasus Galaxy was soooo dangerous. Now Landry wasn't sure – this galaxy had its highly dangerous moments like super-plagues and such. You know, everyday things like that.

Walter called in on the intercom.

"Sir, half an hour until the Daedalus debriefing."

"Thank you Walter." Where had time gone? Never mind… First things first though. Landry had to email this to everyone on base and then look over some more files in order to debrief the crew of the Daedalus.

Work, work, work.

Maybe he could get the Daedalus to take him to the Pegasus Galaxy for bit… That would be fun!

Landry chortled to himself, emailed his new Guide, and got back to the boring mission reports.

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There we are! I hope this lives up to its big brother in the Pegasus Galaxy! speaking of which, i **will** get back to that, i promise!!

I hope you enjoyed!!! And Happy End of School everyone!!!


	2. The Archeologist's Guide to the Galaxy

hello again all! sorry to have left you in suspense for ah... three months... (_ducks head in shame_) sorry. on a more unfortunate note, school's starting again. pah. actually, my first day is later today... ugh. anyway, i'll get on with it!

**atlantian** - lol, i'll see if i can't work in a "newbie intermission" in this one! i know... the poor souls of Stargate... we batter them so. hehe  
**Freckles-101** - sam, vala, and mitchell will all have their say... as will teal'c! that'll be fun! hehe, thanks a ton!  
**Love.Angel.Music.Baby.** - hiya! of course i'll be doing a Jack Guide! how could i not? that would be... bad. thanks for the review!!!  
**flubber** - okay, 3a referred to when Mitchell went to Landry's cabin and he was totally uncomfortable about it and i find both Cam and Jack hilarious! thanks!  
**Lisa** - thanks a lot! i'm glad you enjoyed the Pegasus Guides! i hope i'll live up to my previous standards! thanks so much!  
**Kyia L. Kenobi** - oh god... star trek and star wars guides would get ridiculously out of control... but it'd be kinda fun actually... hehe  
**Whirlwind-2005** - those minions... they always have a tendency of escaping, don't they? pah. thanks for the review!!!!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - oh yes, now that we're in SG-1 land, i have a feeling these Guides might not end for a while... i have ten years worth of aliens to deal with!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - lol, i think jack's funnier in ways that cam could never be and vice-versa, but hey, who knows... enjoy!  
**Port-of-Seas** - i have a feeling that this might just spirl into mayhem and madness! hope it meets your approval! hehehe  
**KariHermione** - welcome to the madness! you'll see very shortly who's next! i hope you enjoy!  
**nwfairy** - hehe, i love "jaffa revenge things"! they make me warm and fuzzy inside! lol... wow... i'm wacked...

okay, now i feel really horrible... reading your reviews i noticed that many of them say something along the lines of "happy end of school"... that makes me feel miserable... god, i'm starting school again today! OY! where'd my summer go? where'd my vacation go? (_sigh_) oh well... really sorry about that.

Anyway, enjoy the show!

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Daniel, having really nothing better to do with his life at the moment, strode into his office and sat down. He sighed and watched his Egyptians dance across his computer screen. 

That was an old screensaver… he should really update that.

Nah.

So here was Daniel, bored. He had finished all his paperwork a day or so earlier, unlike Mitchell. Cameron was just plain old lazy. Then again, there was nothing better to do… but nothing was infinitely better than paperwork. Daniel sighed again and rested his head against an artifact. He started to doze off when his computer unexpectedly chirped at him. Daniel gave the machine a puzzled look as he signed in.

"Since when do you chirp? I never made you chirp…" Daniel pushed his glasses back up his nose and realized that he never would have heard the chirp if he were busy. The thing might have been chirping for the last ten years… oh dear.

The chirp was due to a new email… from Landry. Oh boy. Daniel quickly opened the email and scanned through it. Wow… Landry was out of his mind, but it looked kinda fun. Hehe.

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way for Archeologists

1. Break 'em in fast and break 'em in good.

... a. This goes for colonels and generals. The faster they get used to you, the better.

... b. This also applies to shoes…

2. Try **not** to piss off gods.

... a. It has a funny tendency to come back at you in the form of a hand device or a rule-bound jellyfish of light called an Ancient.

... b. Jack O'Neill seems to be the only one completely immune to this effect.

3. Watch your daily habits.

... a. If pie starts to look exceedingly delicious at random times, run for an MRI.

4. Learn the lingo.

... a. From grunts to squeaks to singing plants; it's always in one's best interest to learn the language.

... b. If you don't, you might end up like Mitchell did… upside down and naked in a tree due to a… misunderstanding.

... c. Then there was Jack's "mishap"…

5. Don't bother to fear dying.

... a. It doesn't hurt… much.

... b. It's kinda cool in a creepy sort of way.

... c. I should know.

6. Always carry a reliable watch.

... a. You never know where… or when you might show up.

... b. Just trust me.

7. Always keep a watchful eye on your stuff.

... a. …Vala…

That should do it! Daniel sat back, quite satisfied with his work. That had kept him amused for all of… fifteen minutes. Hey, better than nothing. Daniel had just managed to excite fifteen minutes of this horribly boring day.

God… he couldn't wait to see Jack's face after this one. It would be an interesting reunion next time, Daniel thought, chuckling. This Guide should, hopefully, alert some of the newer staff to the happenings of their betters. Daniel wondered what they would think of them after all this.

The archeologist sat back in his chair with a creak and grinned. Ahh… minion-dom was his for the taking. Without further ado, Daniel clicked the send button and unleashed his newest weapon.

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mhahaha! well, whadda think? my first chapter for anything in a good three months! was it any good? did you like it? please tell!

oh... and welcome back to school americans... mrgh


	3. The Scientist's Guide to the Galaxy

hi y'all! sorry that this took so long in the making... somebody yesterday reminded me that I haven't updated this story in four months... and that I have no excuses not to update it since SG-1 is no longer running (_sob_) unlike Atlantis... but i had college stuff to do and then midterms were this week (bah!) anyway, enough of me moaning and complaining! i missed you guys! and here is a new chapter for y'all!!!

**atlantian** - lol, pie is delicious though! although, you should worry if there's a voice in your head telling to do things! lol!!!!  
**AlbinoMonkeyC** - i'm glad to have a floor-roller!!! i'm glad that this is that funny... lol, welcome to the reviewer ranks friend!  
**Port-of-Seas** - lol, even i don't know what Jack's mishap was... but it was Jack, so use your imagination! lol, glad to see you again!  
**SpaceMonkey0941** - thank you, i'm glad you thought that this was brilliant! lol, that makes me happy!  
**flubber** - lol, thanks for the lovely review, as always, and as for Jack... he's not now, i gotta go around the base first then out to Washington!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - of course McKay will be mentioned in this one! i hope Sam's chapter stands up to your standards! (i love long reviews!)  
**Freckles-101** - hehe, i'm glad you enjoyed it! and i really hope you enjoy the rest of the story just as much! see ya later!  
**Whirlwind-2005** - lol, i hope its funny! but i'm glad you find it very funny! thanks for the review!!  
**nwfairy** - Vala indeed... everyone needs to watch their stuff around Vala... lol, hope you enjoyed the chapter!!  
**lakewater** - welcome to the reviewer advisory board, hehe... i'm happy to see that you liked it!!! hope you stay for more! (thanks for the PM)  
**Life is a paradox** - never seen you before either... so welcome!! lol, i'm glad to see you liked it! hope you like the rest too!  
**E. Nagrom** - hey, you're new too!!! kumtraya! i'm glad you enjoyed this one and i hope you like the first one too!  
**SilverRider** - hey, havent seen you in a while! i'm glad to see that you liked this chapter!!! lol, jack's mishap... god only knows!

wow you guys! 13 reviews!!! woot! you people are awesome! Well, I'm happy to see that everyone has been enjoying themselves!!! Time for another does of Hitchhikers'!!!

And now, chapter 3!

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Sam was settling in for a long night… a LOOOONG night. They (the scientists) had just gotten back from P3C-929, Khantu. It was a seemingly rural and full of farms – seemingly simple people, but some of the technology they used was extraordinary. To them, though, using their advanced technology was as exciting as turning on a TV or using a phone. They had everything from supply replicators to cold fusion power to power their homes and farms. The peaceful Khantuans had let the SGC take some of their stuff back to Earth for study. 

So, because of this, Sam had a long night in front of her. Not that she minded – new technology was always exciting and once she started working, time would fly by. It was just the fact that now it was 8:30 pm and she probably wouldn't finish until 8:30 am.

Whatever.

Sam dove into the pile of alien tech and fished out the supply replicator. This thing was awesome! Imagine Star Trek… but instead of food replicators, it only made material goods. Apparently food tasted nasty out of a replicator.

The scientist propped open her laptop and got to work. She had barely been at it for ten minutes when an email warning came up. Thinking that it might be from one of her assistants, she opened it. Yup, it was definitely from her assistant, but it was definitely **not** about work.

It looked like one of those round robin emails that just keep getting passed around, but the original sender had been one "Dr. Jackson, Daniel". Mildly interested and amused, Sam read more.

Wow… this email was great. Maybe the supply replicator could be put on hold for a bit. Sam had an email to write!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way for Scientists

1. Watch your ass.

... a. Everybody wants a good scientist… for one reason or another.

2. Listen to your CO… except if he's cranky.

... a. Cranky CO's are not really useful for much. They bark a lot.

... b. They kinda start sounding like dogs… hmm.

3. Never ask what someone did during a time loop that you weren't aware of.

... a. Trust me… it's for the best.

... b. Sometimes you just might not **want** to know.

4. Always bring coffee.

... a. Scientists should already know that since we live off the stuff. Shame on you if you didn't know.

... b. Besides, coffee keeps your team happy.

... c. That and it might be the only thing keeping you alive – mastery over the coffee pot.

5. Say big, complicated phrases just to impress people.

... a. You know, sometimes it really does work.

... b. And you don't even have to make sense.

... c. It especially works on a little arrogant man named McKay. (Catch: he might fall in love with you... sorry)

6. Always carry a towel.

... a. For… well, you know.

7. If anyone tries to tell you that you're just a weak little nerd, punch them.

... a. That gets you instant respect points.

... b. It worked well in school... right?

... c. This also very clearly disproves their point.

Sam stopped and proudly looked over her list. For a quick email, Sam had pretty accurately described all the things she had wanted to. She chuckled briefly to herself and glanced up at a puzzled subordinate walking past her office.

Sam Carter grinned to herself. This could be fun.

_--Send--_

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soooo... didja like it? PLEASE tell me if you did or not! OH! And I want to know who caught the _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ reference!!!

See you next time! And happy belated New Year!

1/25/08


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